Guest Post: LABCR-TV – Report card on the Liberal-National team

Tony Abbott – With his Garvin GPS installed and travel arrangements sorted, the captain is now leading by example a strong and committed team. His Garvin has also helped to direct his team mates all over the field. Shows excellent judgement and a sharpness the opponents cannot defend. Hits the opposition hard where it hurts – highlighting their lack of ideas, immaturity and incomprehensibility. His defensive shots easily dispatch the mulli-grubbers thrown by the opposition to the boundary. Great to watch when Costello is in  partnership.

Joe Hockey – Sends the ball down fast and hard into the heads of his opponents. Constantly intimidates the ducking and weaving opposition, who have no answer to his damaging fastballs. Smashes the opposition with his knowledge of the game which simply dwarfs that of his direct opponent. A delight to watch in action when Mitch is not bowling.

Scott Morrison – Scored 100 not out v ‘The Boaties’ and still going strong. Looking forward to a Bradmanesq score in the future. Has handled the toughest position on the team with intelligence, authority, ingenuity and aplomb. Takes his opponents head on with his bat and has made them look totally incompetent. Needs to buy a new suit for match days. Great to watch when sailing to Indonesia.

Chris Pyne – His re-education after a nervous start to the innings has made him a solid and valued all-rounder who plays by the rules. Makes important team tactical decisions on the field at the appropriate time. As leader of team business he has converted his direct opposite into a ‘point of order’ replicating machine, whose runs are not visible on the scoreboard. Shows improvement in his dual positions and will only get better with experience in battle. Great to watch when pining for sanity on the field.

Greg Hunt – His greatest opponent is Electricity Bill. Mr Hunt is the lowest emitter on the team, and although a physical light weight, he has a unique ability to both niggle and hammer his opponents with his devastating plays. Capable of playing the high energy game cleanly, with the dual ability to get dirty when the dirty get going. Under-estimated by his opponents. Great to watch when Electricity Bill is in the mail box.

Warren Truss – The old timer is an excellent pinch hitter when required to slap the opposition spinners and is not afraid of a challenge. Has a long history of accumulating runs against the opposition and his experience is valued. Great to watch when building bridges.

Malcolm Turnbull – Not sure at times which jersey he is wearing. Has yet to come to grips with his position and has let too many supporters down. Has potential, but needs to listen to his supporters and act accordingly. Some people are questioning his dedication, a real cause for concern. He could be in danger of being banished by the coach to the sidelines if he doesn’t improve. Great to watch as an entertaining alternative to the ABC.

Julie Bishop – Has made some important and telling handbag hits on the opposition but frequent absences from the field and jet lag may have diminished her potential performance. Has a better record playing away from home, as she has a preference for travel and foreign affairs. Gets annoyed with hacking on the field from her opponents. Don’t worry; this girl can play with the boys all day long. Great to watch….anytime.

Eric Abetz – Faces great difficulty in the SCG (Senate Combat Ground) due to an umpire who cannot control the game and is afraid to send off players who continually interrupt play. Despite this on-field mayhem, Mr Abetz creates great confusion, constant time wasting and juvenile tactics amongst his opponents and he, himself, has yet to drop the ball. Makes his directly opposite opponent constantly cry foul and ask for the water chick. Great to watch when the umpire stops saying order…. order…. order…. order…. order…. order…. order….

George Brandis – Now that his bookshelves are installed George is brandishing his law books at the opposition with increasing accuracy and confidence. Has the skill to tie his opponents in knots and fits of rage with his sledging free speeches. Gains a lot of respect from his team mates and supporters alike. Great to watch when Labor is in labour.

Mathias Cormann – This wandering ministeral (sic) from Europe has finally found a home on the green fields of WA. Although he has had limited exposure to our foreign game he nevertheless has been a very useful back up for Joe Hockey when called upon. Always prepared to smack the spin from the opposition into the garbage bin outside the boundary, where it belongs. Great to watch when practicing the accent of Europe.

Ian Macfarlane – His greatest performance was dispatching Tin Can Bill spin out of the ground in a recent match in Shepparton. As 12th man, much involved in industry, this multi-skilled man has hand-made all the superior bats, balls and stumps used by his team mates, when spending endless hours in the club house. A very useful player. Great to watch when playing bass guitar.

Bronwyn Bishop – As umpire, she has shown the unique ability to make the calmest players on the Left team drop the ball and temperamentally lose it in the heat of battle. She’s also confronted by a childish Left team whose best defence is ‘point of order’ and unintelligible screams. Shows authority and experience completely lacking in her SCG (Senate Combat Ground) ALP counterpart. Not afraid to send players off to the sin bin when they break the rules. Great to watch in a mass debate.

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75 Responses to Guest Post: LABCR-TV – Report card on the Liberal-National team

  1. Senile Old Guy

    Greg Hunt – His greatest opponent is himself because he can’t seem to remember what team he is playing for. Dropped a sitter this week when the other team sledged him about “crocodile tears”. Needs to toughen up and make the hard choices when it counts.

    There. Fixed.

  2. Honesty

    Peter Dutton – an expert sledger that when on the pitch relentlessly rattles his opposite number.

  3. Alfonso

    “….hammer(s) his opponents with his devastating plays.”
    The small g Green and true CAGWarming believing Hunt, that Hunt?
    Will be retired hurt at first opportunity. Scott Morrison can manage any two batting slots as required.

  4. Great work.

    That NT thing is a perfect example of why states and territories should have the capacity to overrule the federal government.

  5. johanna

    Is this kind of video games stuff worthy of being posted here?

    Who cares about facts or policy. Let’s just play games.

    The Doomlord has hardly lifted off, and the rot sets in.

  6. Gab

    A lot of work has gone into that, Labcr-TV, well done. And it’s a fun post as well.

  7. Senile Old Guy

    That NT thing is a perfect example of why states and territories should have the capacity to overrule the federal government.

    I think it is because crocs are still listed as an endangered species. I could be wrong, though.

  8. Cold-Hands

    They can’t be all “great to watch”.

  9. Cold-Hands

    I think it is because crocs are still listed as an endangered species. I could be wrong, though.

    Hardly endangered. Current estimates put over 100000 of them in the territory.

  10. incoherent rambler

    Five consecutive golden ducks from Turnbull does make you wonder how long before the selectors lose patience.

  11. Senile Old Guy

    Hardly endangered. Current estimates put over 100000 of them in the territory.

    I’m wrong. They are now listed as “vulnerable“.

  12. gabrianga

    Unfortunately Driftforge it was Malcolm Fraser who set the scene in the N.T by handing 50% to the Aboriginal Traditional Owners (including the power of veto over exploration and mining.)

    At that time a “no-go” area extending one kilometre from the Arnhem Land escarpment was being suggested but Fraser declared a 10,000 sq.km National Park which was then nominated for and accepted as a World Heritage area giving “last word” on any development project to the United Nations.

    I fear Hunt is a clone of Fraser and his outrageous decision to over ride a much needed cull of N.T. crocodiles even goes against many Aborigines ,who live close to the infested rivers and billabongs, suggests a “dark greenie” still lurks inside our Minister.

  13. James of the Glen

    Alfonso for the section panel. Spotted a continuing weakness in the team who must be relegated to Minister of Kindergardens.

  14. Tom

    Sorry. As a matter of principle, I’m not interested in someone who is apparently not a regular and who is not prepared to identify himself in any way just dropping stuff into the blog as a one-off.

  15. Ant

    What about Sharman? Is she cutting the oranges?

  16. nic

    Turnbull, ignoring the coach’s game plan and suspected of eyeing the opposition’s dressing room once too often.

    Abbott, accused of scoring some own goals by a foolish opposition, who have lost a lot of their own team mates of late due to suspension at Her Majesties’ pleasure. The opposition don’t realise that its the public who are the ultimate umpire.

  17. Gab

    What about Sharman?

    She’s playing for the other team.

  18. Aristogeiton

    Tom
    #1242859, posted on March 28, 2014 at 5:24 pm
    Sorry. As a matter of principle, I’m not interested in someone who is apparently not a regular and who is not prepared to identify himself in any way just dropping stuff into the blog as a one-off.

    I’ve seen LABCR-TV post here before. The problem with the post is that it’s shit.

  19. Gab

    So you’ve already said, Aristo. But feel compelled to say it again, you horrible little man.

  20. Aristogeiton

    Sorry, I’m wrong. I’ve seen him post on The Drum before.

  21. Aristogeiton

    Gab
    #1242878, posted on March 28, 2014 at 5:35 pm
    So you’ve already said, Aristo. But feel compelled to say it again, you horrible little man.

    I’m big, tall and strong Gab. If you think this dribbling nonsense is worthy of publication then that’s a matter for you, but I’m not going to applaud it.

  22. Gab

    So you’ve said, three times now.

  23. Aristogeiton

    Gab
    #1242886, posted on March 28, 2014 at 5:40 pm
    So you’ve said, three times now.

    Careful, you’ll run out of fingers. I don’t recall you having a cry when I have been equally brutal about the occasional Samuel J post, and just about everything Steve Kates produces. Why so touchy?

  24. Gab

    You’re confusing me with someone else. I have never been “brutal” or derogatory towards any of Samuel or Steve’s post, you lying turd,

  25. .

    Guest Post: LABCR-TV – Report card on the Liberal-National team

    A pathetic waste. Let the Hunger Games begin!

  26. Squirrel

    I thought Pyne made some telling points in yesterday’s confidence debate over Speaker Bishop.

  27. james

    Too much cheerleading.

    We don’t have to pretend that everything our “side” does is amazing, we are not Lefties.

  28. Ant

    Oh yes, that reminds me:

    Steve, what the hell is going on? Where the hell is one of your timely posts blasting POTUS!?!

    He’s in Europe making a total twat of himself again and this blog is leaving him mostly and sacrilegiously unscathed.

  29. Aristogeiton

    Gab
    #1242896, posted on March 28, 2014 at 5:47 pm
    You’re confusing me with someone else. I have never been “brutal” or derogatory towards any of Samuel or Steve’s post, you lying turd,

    “[W]hen I have been equally brutal about the occasional Samuel J post [...]“, you illiterate moron.

  30. Gab

    Pyne’s an excellent fast-bowler.

  31. Gab

    Fuck off you bloated sanctimonious lying prick.

  32. .

    james
    #1242903, posted on March 28, 2014 at 5:50 pm
    Too much cheerleading.

    We don’t have to pretend that everything our “side” does is amazing, we are not Lefties.

    Ladies and gentlemen we have a volunteer for tribute. May the odds (n)ever be in your favour!

  33. Aristogeiton

    Gab
    #1242911, posted on March 28, 2014 at 5:52 pm
    Fuck off you bloated sanctimonious lying prick.

    Lying? Piss off; if you can’t read for comprehension there is nothing I can do about that. Go ahead and cheer on any buffoonery posted here.

  34. Aristogeiton

    “Fools admire, men of sense approve” (Alexander Pope)

  35. Gab

    You pompous ass, go back to facebook where you belong.

  36. C.L.

    She’s playing for the other team.

    NTTAWWT.

  37. Infidel Tiger

    I have my own report card:

    Morrison carries these lacklustre softcocks like a medieval faggot carter preparing for bonfire night.

    A lineup less inspiring would be hard to find outside of an Australian writers festival.

  38. Demosthenes

    That’s a little harsh, Tom.

    A google search brings up the Recent Comments as a ‘result’, regardless of the date of the post or comment, so the last few people to comment, even if it was their very first one, are in search results going back years.

  39. Baldrick

    Morrison carries these lacklustre softcocks like a medieval faggot carter preparing for bonfire night.

    Shit … there goes the bourbon all over the screen.
    Well said.

  40. Senile Old Guy

    Aristogeiton:

    I’m big, tall and strong Gab. If you think this dribbling nonsense is worthy of publication then that’s a matter for you, but I’m not going to applaud it.

    Good for you! Alas, I checked my “Do I give shit meter?” and the needle didn’t budge.

    I am always amused by people who stubbornly insist on telling us how much the don’t care.

  41. stackja

    Report card on the Liberal-National team

    20 years from now as TA still holds the PM office.

  42. Alfonso

    “Morrison carries these lacklustre softcocks like a medieval faggot carter preparing for bonfire night.”

    Poetic indeed. Double blind Brandis has almost certainly dropped the incendiary word “bigot” to cripple the complete voiding of S18.

    Georgy was always in favour of S18′s control potential, minus some minor, base stroking, amendments.

  43. MemoryVault

    “20 years from now as TA still holds the PM office”

    Or 20 months from now as TA and the LNP go into the final stretch towards another election and another hung parliament. Sorry, but Australians have had a gutful of politicians playing at politics – from ALL sides of the fence. Today people are looking for action.

    Sure, Morrison “turned back the boats”, but let’s face it, the same thing would have been accomplished simply by only reinstating TPV’s and cutting out the welfare milk and honey.

    Meanwhile, the ABC continues to run amok at taxpayer’s expense, Turney’s “ship of fools” fiasco played out in the Antarctic to the tune of $2.5 million taxpayer’s dollars, PLUS the cost of the rescue, without so much as a whimper from ANY of the LNP softcocks, and my grandchildren continue to be subjected to regular screenings of Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth” as a science documentary.

    And what? We’re all supposed to cheer wildly?

    Infidel Tiger got it right.

  44. kay gee

    This blog and the people gleefully responding to it are pathetic! Agree with you Tom.

  45. Tom

    Fuck off you bloated sanctimonious lying prick.

    I knew you’d been holding back all these years. Love it when you don’t. Lizzie can explain in more detail how to do it while remaining a lady. Cat chicks rool.

  46. kay gee

    how long do you have to wait for moderation?

  47. Bill Shut

    “Great to watch in a mass debate”
    I love schoolboy humour.
    But it’s spelled “masturbate”.

  48. Leo G

    “With his Garvin Garmin GPS …”

  49. Honesty

    Amazing the lamest fun post has really got the vitriol humming. You need to get in power and keep power, I am a little right of Attila the Hun and IT is a Tassie Green in comparison, however these views will not win the middle ground, the ice cream seller on the beach which is part and parcel of the Westminister system these days.
    The only soft cocks are you key board cowboys, try and work an electorate and realise just how good this Government is before you think you are the Libertarian of the year because you posted a comment and linked to a cute article. You remind me of the left filth.
    We have a superb federal team, that will in time, be better than the “invincibles” and I will bet the bat that The Don gave Sammy Loxwood that has been handed down from him to my uncle that is now my prized possession.
    And not that Gab needs it, however she is a warrior of the right that deserves respect, she has more knowledge and commitment in her little finger than all readers of the Cat.

  50. Honesty

    Type iPad error it should read Sam Loxton.

  51. Infidel Tiger

    We have a superb federal team,

    You’re kidding right?

    They are as about as inspiring as being offered a tongue kiss with you auntie if climb Everest in the nude.

  52. candy

    LABCR-TV
    You’re a clever fellow, to write all that, but don’t forget Peter Dutton. He is dedicated to his Health portfolio and knows his stuff, and a great performer in QT.

    My favourite minister is still Tony Abbott. Fitter and more handsome than all the rest by far!

  53. .

    Infidel Tiger
    #1243126, posted on March 28, 2014 at 9:01 pm
    We have a superb federal team

    I’m waiting to the May budget. If fatso doesn’t cut, cut cut, rather deeply they are an abject failure.

  54. MemoryVault

    “these views will not win the middle ground”

    Aah, the tired old “pragmatic” argument.

    Wake up and smell the coffee. There is no “middle ground”. Never was, never will be.
    There are people who vote for principles – for what they believe in – at both ends of the political spectrum. In between are the “swinging voters” whose votes are available to the highest bidder.

    Trying to run a country based on the whim of people who insist on being bought and paid for with election promises, is a one-way road to wrack and ruin. Yeah, maybe it might just secure you the treasury benches for another term, but in the end it’s a path to hell.

    Think of where the LNP might be now, if Howard hadn’t taken the politically expedient choice, the “pragmatic” path, the “middle road”, and drunk from the “global warming” kool-aid cup.

    Abbott and his softcocks are going to spend their entire first term (maybe ONLY term), extracting themselves from that little bit of Howard’s pragmatic political expediency. And since they insist on doing it “pragmatically”, in a way designed not to upset the “middle ground”, we’ll probably end up with another hung parliament.

  55. Alfonso

    How is the Vaucluse LibLab Party sub-branch Honest?
    Still all dedicated CAGWarming believers and abaters, are we?

  56. Infidel Tiger

    Everyone looks pretty good compared to a team of rapists, philanderers, whore mongers, thieves, kiddie fiddlers and dead beats.

    Let’s try and set the bar a little higher than a lizard’s rectum.

  57. The Pugilist

    Too much cheerleading.

    We don’t have to pretend that everything our “side” does is amazing, we are not Lefties.

    I agree. Morrison, Hockey, Truss, Joyce and Cormann have been solid. The PM gets a pass. Turnbull is pus. Sinodinos coulda been a contender. Brandis has been like the curette’s egg, good in parts, but needs to improve. Dutton and Johnston have been so so, if only because they’ve done nothing. Pyne is a disgrace. Get fucking Scott Ryan and Kellie O’Dwyer in there.

  58. The Pugilist

    Everyone looks pretty good compared to a team of rapists, philanderers, whore mongers, thieves, kiddie fiddlers and dead beats.

    As usual, the tiger nails it. Would love to share a glass of port with you one evening sir…

  59. Oh come on

    Amazing how some people’s default position is bitchiness. It’s just a lighthearted post. I don’t think the author intended it to be the coalition’s manifesto at the next election.

  60. nerblnob

    Bronwyn Bishop … Great to watch in a mass debate.

    I could’ve done without that image in my head.

  61. Linden

    reminds of Greg Chappell’s famous comment after 5 consecutive ducks; ‘It’s not that I am batting badly, its just that I keep getting out’!

  62. Linden

    I would like to add to your list, ‘and a bunch of crooks’ and also join in for a round of ports, my shout lol!

  63. Megan

    Brandis has been like the curette’s egg

    Typo of the day! I’m never going to be able to look at George in the same way ever again.

  64. Linden

    Abbott is really waiting for the 2nd innings after the new Senate is in place; or shall we see a washout and the match rescheduled in the form of a double dissolution; I really hope so!! I just love voting the greens last.

  65. Tapdog

    I’m never going to be able to look at George in the same way ever again.

    Yes that has rather stuffed things up for George.

    LOL

  66. Linden

    It would appear to be an interesting player development, a rising star from the left looking for a player transfer to the right, and will upstage the incumbent Opposition Leader?

  67. tomix

    Little known fact: Abbott likes to address the Environment Minister as Kay Hunt.

  68. tomix, you sure it isn’t “Mike” or “That’k” he says instead of “Greg”?

  69. tomix

    Yore probly right Deadman. I do tell a lot of lies.

  70. Senile Old Guy

    In between are the “swinging voters” whose votes are available to the highest bidder.

    I’m a swinging voter and some of us look at the candidates and policies. I voted for Howard when he brought in the GST but I didn’t vote for Hewson when he tried to because he was a typical, highly educated dill. Having said that, I would never vote Green and the ALP are going further and further downhill.

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