Tony Abbott – With his Garvin GPS installed and travel arrangements sorted, the captain is now leading by example a strong and committed team. His Garvin has also helped to direct his team mates all over the field. Shows excellent judgement and a sharpness the opponents cannot defend. Hits the opposition hard where it hurts – highlighting their lack of ideas, immaturity and incomprehensibility. His defensive shots easily dispatch the mulli-grubbers thrown by the opposition to the boundary. Great to watch when Costello is in partnership.
Joe Hockey – Sends the ball down fast and hard into the heads of his opponents. Constantly intimidates the ducking and weaving opposition, who have no answer to his damaging fastballs. Smashes the opposition with his knowledge of the game which simply dwarfs that of his direct opponent. A delight to watch in action when Mitch is not bowling.
Scott Morrison – Scored 100 not out v ‘The Boaties’ and still going strong. Looking forward to a Bradmanesq score in the future. Has handled the toughest position on the team with intelligence, authority, ingenuity and aplomb. Takes his opponents head on with his bat and has made them look totally incompetent. Needs to buy a new suit for match days. Great to watch when sailing to Indonesia.
Chris Pyne – His re-education after a nervous start to the innings has made him a solid and valued all-rounder who plays by the rules. Makes important team tactical decisions on the field at the appropriate time. As leader of team business he has converted his direct opposite into a ‘point of order’ replicating machine, whose runs are not visible on the scoreboard. Shows improvement in his dual positions and will only get better with experience in battle. Great to watch when pining for sanity on the field.
Greg Hunt – His greatest opponent is Electricity Bill. Mr Hunt is the lowest emitter on the team, and although a physical light weight, he has a unique ability to both niggle and hammer his opponents with his devastating plays. Capable of playing the high energy game cleanly, with the dual ability to get dirty when the dirty get going. Under-estimated by his opponents. Great to watch when Electricity Bill is in the mail box.
Warren Truss – The old timer is an excellent pinch hitter when required to slap the opposition spinners and is not afraid of a challenge. Has a long history of accumulating runs against the opposition and his experience is valued. Great to watch when building bridges.
Malcolm Turnbull – Not sure at times which jersey he is wearing. Has yet to come to grips with his position and has let too many supporters down. Has potential, but needs to listen to his supporters and act accordingly. Some people are questioning his dedication, a real cause for concern. He could be in danger of being banished by the coach to the sidelines if he doesn’t improve. Great to watch as an entertaining alternative to the ABC.
Julie Bishop – Has made some important and telling handbag hits on the opposition but frequent absences from the field and jet lag may have diminished her potential performance. Has a better record playing away from home, as she has a preference for travel and foreign affairs. Gets annoyed with hacking on the field from her opponents. Don’t worry; this girl can play with the boys all day long. Great to watch….anytime.
Eric Abetz – Faces great difficulty in the SCG (Senate Combat Ground) due to an umpire who cannot control the game and is afraid to send off players who continually interrupt play. Despite this on-field mayhem, Mr Abetz creates great confusion, constant time wasting and juvenile tactics amongst his opponents and he, himself, has yet to drop the ball. Makes his directly opposite opponent constantly cry foul and ask for the water chick. Great to watch when the umpire stops saying order…. order…. order…. order…. order…. order…. order….
George Brandis – Now that his bookshelves are installed George is brandishing his law books at the opposition with increasing accuracy and confidence. Has the skill to tie his opponents in knots and fits of rage with his sledging free speeches. Gains a lot of respect from his team mates and supporters alike. Great to watch when Labor is in labour.
Mathias Cormann – This wandering ministeral (sic) from Europe has finally found a home on the green fields of WA. Although he has had limited exposure to our foreign game he nevertheless has been a very useful back up for Joe Hockey when called upon. Always prepared to smack the spin from the opposition into the garbage bin outside the boundary, where it belongs. Great to watch when practicing the accent of Europe.
Ian Macfarlane – His greatest performance was dispatching Tin Can Bill spin out of the ground in a recent match in Shepparton. As 12th man, much involved in industry, this multi-skilled man has hand-made all the superior bats, balls and stumps used by his team mates, when spending endless hours in the club house. A very useful player. Great to watch when playing bass guitar.
Bronwyn Bishop – As umpire, she has shown the unique ability to make the calmest players on the Left team drop the ball and temperamentally lose it in the heat of battle. She’s also confronted by a childish Left team whose best defence is ‘point of order’ and unintelligible screams. Shows authority and experience completely lacking in her SCG (Senate Combat Ground) ALP counterpart. Not afraid to send players off to the sin bin when they break the rules. Great to watch in a mass debate.