How to have a happy marriage

Why should this blog only discuss politics? Here is the best advice on how to have a happy marriage I have ever read. This is what I found at the core of it:

Gottman wanted to know more about how the masters created that culture of love and intimacy, and how the disasters squashed it. In a follow-up study in 1990, he designed a lab on the University of Washington campus to look like a beautiful bed and breakfast retreat. He invited 130 newlywed couples to spend the day at this retreat and watched them as they did what couples normally do on vacation: cook, clean, listen to music, eat, chat, and hang out. And Gottman made a critical discovery in this study—one that gets at the heart of why some relationships thrive while others languish.

Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.

The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.

People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t—those who turned away—would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”

These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.

All very obvious, of course, except for the seven in ten who fail the test. If this sort of thing interests you, you should read it all.

Via Instapundit

This entry was posted in Cultural Issues. Bookmark the permalink.

98 Responses to How to have a happy marriage

  1. A Lurker

    I think the key to a happy marriage comes down to one golden rule, and that is – treat your ‘other half’ as you would like to be treated yourself. Which I guess is easy to say, but harder to adhere to given that we’re all human and fallible.

    Of course having shared interests, a shared philosophy of life, shared dreams, shared burdens and worries, shared political ideology, a shared culture, and shared responsibilities in the household and child raising does help the marriage ‘glue’ adhere just that little bit easier.

  2. James D

    Fairly interesting I suppose.

    I think the main way to have a successful marriage is both partners knowing their roles. Women embracing their femininity and men their masculinity.

    The reason we have lots of marriage break downs today is that both partners are trying to be in the same role — both working, career people. Women forget what they’re good at, what they’re biologically designed to do, and the whole thing essentially falls apart. Feminists have told women to act out a masculine role and we can see the disastrous results.

    Women should submit to their husbands, and concentrate on keeping the house clean as well as having many children. Not getting an education or a career.

  3. MT Isa Miner

    James D

    #1346732, posted on June 14, 2014 at 12:27 pm

    Fairly interesting I suppose.

    I think the main way to have a successful marriage is both partners knowing their roles. Women embracing their femininity and men their masculinity.

    The reason we have lots of marriage break downs today is that both partners are trying to be in the same role — both working, career people. Women forget what they’re good at, what they’re biologically designed to do, and the whole thing essentially falls apart. Feminists have told women to act out a masculine role and we can see the disastrous results.

    Women should submit to their husbands, and concentrate on keeping the house clean as well as having many children. Not getting an education or a career.

    Yeah. But:

    Getting an education USED to be so that a person could be the best that they could be. That should be available to everyone. Not free, not compulsory but available for women and men.

    That is different to government funded/sponsored creditialism and Disney world pretending that a EEO job is “fulfilling” and ” independent” and so they don’t need to marry and breed.

  4. notafan

    I hate that career word and the expectation that work has to be oh so fulfilling. Then there is the other side of so called ‘menial work’ in which being dependant on welfare is considered better than doing a job that requires one to perspire.
    Having to juggle work and a family just means working much much longer hours and missing out on enjoying your children, thanks for nothing feminists.
    Work should be a means to an end not an end to itself and all work should be regarded as honourable.

  5. James D

    That should be available to everyone. Not free, not compulsory but available for women and men.

    I don’t think anyone should be banned from getting an education. Agreed. I do think that we need social change, though, and we need to stop the government telling kids in schools that the only way to be successful is to go to university and get a career. I don’t think this makes women happy, I think it leaves them empty. I think most would be far more happy marrying young to a loving husband and taking care of the home and their children.

    That is different to government funded/sponsored creditialism and Disney world pretending that a EEO job is “fulfilling” and ” independent” and so they don’t need to marry and breed.

    Yeah, most definitely.

  6. James D

    Having to juggle work and a family just means working much much longer hours and missing out on enjoying your children, thanks for nothing feminists.

    It’s kinda funny, the feminists said every woman had to work, and now they do. They’re not really made for it and so when competing with men on the same terms, they lose. And then they complain about that, too, and demand they’re paid the same or more for doing easier and less work.

  7. James D

    3d1k, that’s one feminist woman’s opinion; I wouldn’t take it very seriously.

    … raises questions about whether lifelong monogamy is a culturally constructed ideal.

    It’s just the standard cultural Marxism/brainwashing, softening people up to their creeping values.

    Sex is probably the most important thing in all relationships.

  8. jumpnmcar

    Sex is probably the most important thing in all relationships.

    Rubbish, it’s trust.

  9. A Lurker

    Rubbish, it’s trust.

    Yes, and great communication.

  10. blogstrop

    When Mrs. B and I were first married (back when Gough was PM) we each had some social shortcomings; me a bit brash and somewhat insensitive, but liking company, and she rather shy and sensitive, a bit distrustful of people in general, not inclined to socialise. Over time we have learnt from each other, which is important, and now meet in the middle. But the underlying strength of our marriage is an essential friendship in the long term, wanting it to last, and yes, indulging and sharing each other’s interests to the maximum practical.

  11. Viva

    The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it.

    LOL I don’t. Id better bloody pay attention or cop an earful!

  12. jumpnmcar

    Lurker

    Yes, and great communication.

    Yes.
    My part of that communication, for the most part, is listening.
    With all thing in life, we’re not entitled to succeed, ya gotta sacrifice and earn it.

  13. johanna

    The Cat is certainly a full-service website. Why, we even have James D here to tell us what women (all women) think, feel and should do! Why he is not a millionaire like Dr Phil is one of Life’s Little Mysteries.

    Oh, and sexsexsex. Hope your spouse never gets sick. You’ll be gone, right?

    Seriously, the lead article is pretty silly. A person who treated someone else that way would not even rate as a friend, let alone a life partner. Why were these people who were so rude/treated so rudely even married?

  14. Ms Dolittle

    “Women should submit to their husbands, and concentrate on keeping the house clean as well as having many children. Not getting an education or a career.” Sort of an Islamic set up then?

  15. Chris M

    “Women should submit to their husbands, and concentrate on keeping the house clean as well as having many children. Not getting an education or a career.” Sort of an Islamic set up then?

    Well I don’t think Mohammadans like women to have husbands – it only works plural the other way I’m pretty sure.

  16. Mort

    I’m guessing James D is single, or, as Ms Dolittle suggests, a votary of the Prophet.

  17. I’m guessing James D is single

    I’m guessing such state of affairs is not likely to alter in the foreseeable future.

  18. johanna

    He could always buy a 15 year old from a local Muslim father who believes that his daughter is tainted. Or he could just buy one anyway from Pakistan.

  19. Kingsley

    Got to admit the bit about not looking up from the ipad and just saying “uh huh” kind of stings a bit. Might have to smarten up on that score

  20. nerblnob

    The secret of a long marriage is don’t get divorced.

    “Oh look darling, a beautiful bird outside’
    Her: ” That lawn needs mowing ”

    Or like comedian Stewart Francis says:
    “So darling, are you a glass half-full or glass half-empty person?”

    “I don’t know but you better put a fucking mat underneath it”

  21. GeorgeL

    For everyone’s benefit I have copied below my favourite text on marriage. It comes from a piece written by Paul Johnson in The Spectator, 29 June 1996 (page 22) and was titled “When the honourable estate of marriage is underestimated by dishonourable men.”

    Johnson is commenting on a village wedding that he and his wife attended and reflecting on the institution of marriage:

    At the wedding I witnessed last weekend, we heard some notable texts in defence of the permanency which marriage should promote, including a striking passage from Thomas Carlyle’s Past and Present. There is irony in Carlyle’s words, for it is, and was at the time, no secret that his own marriage to Jane Welsh was vertiginous. An acquaintance remarked, ‘What a pity those two ever got married’, and was answered, ‘No, it is a blessing, because by doing so they ensured that only two people would be miserable, instead of four.’

    But the Carlyles stuck it out until death parted them – how courageously and obstinately the marvellous letters they exchanged reveal. They believed in marriage and permanency and civilisation, and they saw the connection between the three. They were awful – but they knew how, in the last resort, to put up with each other. Marriage is a problem for everyone, and needs to be worked at, like all worthwhile things. It is exceedingly difficult for two people to live intimately together for decades on end, and the experience is marked by rows, sulks, silences, betrayals, falsehoods, bitter accusations, meanness and raking up of ancient wrongs. These pitfalls have to be bridged, as St Paul says in his letter to the Colossians, another fine text read out last weekend, by putting on the garments of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience and forbearance. One must be forgiving, says St Paul.

    Above all, the sparks of love must be kept alive and glowing in the ashes, and the coals of fresh affection thrown on from time to time to keep the flames high, so that children, and grandchildren, can warm their hands at the enduring union. All this takes hard work, and sometimes gritting of teeth, renunciation of grievances, surrenders of pride and humble admission of error. A long-enduring marriage is held together by countless ‘Sorrys’. It is a saga of heroism, a continual war-and-peace. But the wounds heal, and are soon forgotten, and the saga continues, growing stronger with each happily surmounted episode, adding to its permanence like the annual growth rings on a sturdy tree. Divorce is a defeat, a surrender, an act of cowardice, a cop-out. It is a dishonourable estate, a shameful thing.

    When I read it all those years ago I knew I would have a use for it some time. It seems that the time has come.

  22. Gab

    I say down with the corrupt imperialistic phallocratic heritage called marriage!11! In fact I have no idea why same sex couples even entertain the notion!

  23. Gab

    This thread is crying out for some song and dance!

  24. will

    Gab, the only way to create a happy marriage is using one of these.

  25. Gab

    I prefer a rolling pin when he gets out of line, Will. :D

  26. stackja

    Marriage can work if the couple want it to. Not saying easy. Most couples I know seem to be making their marriages work. Yes I am single. I have yet to meet the right woman. Probably never will. My parents married when in their forties. Until death them did part.

  27. Max

    My first Missus was a Unionist Aussie Feminist.

    My current missus was a waitress at the Japanese restaurant near my old work.

    I feel like I have escaped a POW camp. An expensive one that I worked and paid for.

    Now living in Paradise so much so that I am thinking about buying a Thermonix so I can cook better food for my wife.

  28. Armadillo

    Marry your best friend (preferably of the opposite sex). Live, love, fight (but only in the early stages when you are getting to know each other – if it continues, you’re in the wrong relationship). Share, argue, compromise. Be faithful. Talk. Smile. Laugh. Listen. But always remember this….be happy (not just you, both of you). It’s a partnership.

  29. Max

    the transaction costs were more than a Mil

  30. Marry your best friend (preferably of the opposite sex)

    Glad you added the second bit.

  31. wreckage

    JamesD seems a little weird.

  32. Armadillo

    Oh…and the bitches should always shout Chinese take away on a Saturday night – Chilli Chicken (fried rice, not boiled). Otherwise, it’s pretty much a ‘deal breaker’.

  33. Armadillo

    Oh…and short soup (not long soup). Prawn cutlets would be nice, but you don’t want to stretch the friendship. However, it’s totally acceptable to award the missus bonus points for that.

  34. Don’t understand the problem.
    Just so long as she can cook, sew, iron, keep perfect house, etc. Just like those ladies in Stepford, only a little bit better, would be ideal.

  35. Elizabeth (Lizzie) B.

    A long-enduring marriage is held together by countless ‘Sorrys’.

    OK. Let me practice. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, especially for last night, and I’m glad you came in from the sofa at 5am and crawled into bed next to me after that row about nothing. I didn’t mean to pour myself the last of your Tullamore Dew when it was Australia in the World Cup time either. Very thoughtless of me. In my defense, I don’t do it often. Unlike … oh, well, I’m still sorry. OK?

    ps. I do love you very much and you do love me very much still, don’t you????

    Yes, darlings, you can go in and jump on Daddy now. Mind his head.

  36. Armadillo

    I didn’t mean to pour myself the last of your Tullamore Dew when it was Australia in the World Cup time either.

    Lizzie needs a lawyer. Good God woman. What were you thinking?

  37. James B

    Haha, Islamic? I’m not even religious although I’m a cultural Christian. Have you read the Bible?

    Ephesians 5:22, 22
    Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.…

    Colossians 3:18, 18
    Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord

    Corinthians 11:9, 1“for indeed man was not created for the woman’s sake, but woman for the man’s sake.”

    Fairly simple stuff. Yes, women should submit to their husbands in all things, and women’s purpose is to make babies and please men. This concept makes feminists pretty mad, but alas it is true. Many women, (for example, women who live by the Bible — most women who claim they’re Christian ignore the parts they don’t like, but you’ll find more traditional ones in some denominations like Pentecostalism) accept that to be feminine is to be submissive, to do what you’re told, and enjoy it. Those women are the happy ones.

    The corporate bulldogs who think they’re men, who are intent on “forging their own way” in the world, those are the unhappy women. The really unhappy ones. The 35 year old “cat lady” who never had children, never got a husband, who is “child free” and “empowered”, she’s desperately unhappy. The worst part is when they find some dumb beta fuck to pop out a few kids at used-up age of 35 with. Don’t be that guy.

    Women’s value is in their youth, their fertility, their virginity and their body. Men’s value is in their achievements. Two inconvenient truths.

    Hope your spouse never gets sick. You’ll be gone, right?

    Why can’t a woman submit to sex if she’s sick? Another feminist nonsense. Part of being a good wife is letting your husband fuck you even when you don’t feel like it, it’s just the right thing to do.

    It’s truly disappointing how ingrained this feminist garbage is here, though. The average age of first child is 33 now. Women should be having kids at 18 when their fertility as highest.

  38. Elizabeth (Lizzie) B.

    Women’s value is in their youth, their fertility, their virginity and their body. Men’s value is in their achievements. Two inconvenient truths.

    About as inconvenient as Al Gore’s, if the truth be told.
    Grandma’s are great. Evolution would have killed them off after menopause otherwise.
    Women also have the advantage of being evolution’s first choice, and thus very healthy and smart.
    Flexible and multi-tasking too.
    Men are mostly good at fighting and male bonding and hard yakka. Bad news for them.
    Fortunately, these days, both men and women can achieve things.
    Without either losing sight of their main game.

  39. Nony

    Dear God, James B sounds like Hammy on steroids. How come you don’t quote the rest of those passages, Jimbo, you know the bit about husbands LAYING DOWN THEIR LIVES for their wives? @have a proble, that the women get to submit, while the men get to die?

  40. Why can’t a woman submit to sex if she’s sick?

    James B may be single longer than we first thought.

  41. James B

    Women also have the advantage of being evolution’s first choice, and thus very healthy and smart.

    What? Women’s bodies are compromised in every way to allow them to bear children. They are smaller, their bones are thinner and their muscles are much weaker. I think the female form is an absolutely beautiful thing, but there’s no doubt that objectively speaking it’s pretty shit for anything but bearing children.

    Flexible and multi-tasking too.

    I’m not sure if that’s really true. Men are more creative, work harder, and are simply more passionate and driven than women.

    Fortunately, these days, both men and women can achieve things.
    Without either losing sight of their main game.

    Why isn’t a beautiful family and a happy husband “achieving” something? See, feminists say that housewives don’t achieve something, but I don’t think that’s true. Women have a very important role in creating and raising the next generation. Some might say it’s the most important role.

    It’s certainly not their place to be delaying childbirth for an education and career, though. Have you read this?

    http://dailyprincetonian.com/opinion/2013/03/letter-to-the-editor-advice-for-the-young-women-of-princeton-the-daughters-i-never-had/

  42. Biota

    After 46 years of marriage to my first and only wife, both with separate careers, I’ve not given much thought to what makes this a success. But I suggest the following examples: be easy going and tolerant (my Irish has needed some work on this at times); don’t take personal offence (e.g. none of ‘don’t speak to me like that’); be a good listener; there are no divisions of labour in our house, we both cook, clean, wash, iron; regularly get enough sleep, if one is keeping the other awake for whatever reason, use separate rooms, no shame in that. And our marriage has survived some of the worst traumas that can befall anyone.

  43. wreckage

    Best relationship advice ever, from my old man:

    “Men like us have to be grateful.”
    “Look after her.”

    So, the ingredients to a successful marriage?

    One: determination that the marriage will last.
    Two: Each making the others’ feelings a major priority and ongoing project.

  44. johanna

    Women’s bodies are compromised in every way to allow them to bear children.

    Not only a troll, but an illiterate one. I suspect that he or she was looking for the word “comprised.”

    Perhaps another graduate of the Wendy Bacon/Margaret Simons school of journalism, where being able to write a clear, grammatical sentence matters not.

  45. Bruce K

    Have always felt that selfishness on the part of either ( or both ) partners is the prime cause of marriage breakdowns.

  46. wreckage

    JamesB, you might find that those quotes change significantly if you don’t sever the original sentences mid-stride. Christianity requires submissiveness. End of. It’s not gender specific. There are emphases added for women, but they are all in the context of Christian behaviour, which is: do not try to dominate.

    25Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 26Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 27and whoever wants to be first must be your slave– 28just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many.

    21Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

    22Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

    25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansingb her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”c 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

    Commentary:

    Ephesians 5:22
    Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
    22. (Eph 6:9.) The Church’s relation to Christ in His everlasting purpose, is the foundation and archetype of the three greatest of earthly relations, that of husband and wife (Eph 5:22-33), parent and child (Eph 6:1-4), master and servant (Eph 6:4-9). The oldest manuscripts omit “submit yourselves”; supplying it from Eph 5:21, “Ye wives (submitting yourselves) unto your own husbands.” “Your own” is an argument for submissiveness on the part of the wives; it is not a stranger, but your own husbands whom you are called on to submit unto (compare Ge 3:16; 1Co 7:2; 14:34; Col 3:18; Tit 2:5; 1Pe 3:1-7). Those subject ought to submit themselves, of whatever kind their superiors are. “Submit” is the term used of wives: “obey,” of children (Eph 6:1), as there is a greater equality between wives and husbands, than between children and parents.

    as unto the Lord—Submissiveness is rendered by the wife to the husband under the eye of Christ, and so is rendered to Christ Himself. The husband stands to the wife in the relation that the Lord does to the Church, and this is to be the ground of her submission: though that submission is inferior in kind and degree to that which she owes Christ (Eph 5:24).

    Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
    25. “Thou hast seen the measure of obedience; now hear also the measure of love. Do you wish your wife to obey you, as the Church is to obey Christ? Then have a solicitude for her as Christ had for the Church (Eph 5:23, “Himself the Saviour of the body”); and “if it be necessary to give thy life for her, or to be cut in ten thousand pieces, or to endure any other suffering whatever, do not refuse it; and if you suffer thus, not even so do you do what Christ has done; for you indeed do so being already united to her, but He did so for one that treated Him with aversion and hatred. As, therefore, He brought to His feet one that so treated Him, and that even wantonly spurned Him, by much tenderness of regard, not by threats, insults, and terror: so also do you act towards your wife, and though you see her disdainful and wantonly wayward, you will be able to bring her to your feet by much thoughtfulness for her, by love, by kindness. For no bound is more sovereign in binding than such bonds, especially in the case of husband and wife. For one may constrain a servant by fear, though not even he is so to be bound to you; for he may readily run away. But the companion of your life, the mother of your children, the basis of all your joy, you ought to bind to you, not by fear and threats, but by love and attachment” [Chrysostom].

    gave himself—Greek, “gave Himself up.”

    for it—Translate, “for her.” The relation of the Church to Christ is the ground of Christianity’s having raised woman to her due place in the social scale, from which she was, and is, excluded in heathen lands.

  47. James B

    Uhh, nothing you just said changed anything, wreckage. In fact most of that simply reinforces my point. I see *nothing* in there requiring husbands to submit to their wives, or anything of the sort. Love them, treat them right, sure. The Bible is very clear that it is wives that must submit to their husbands, and not the other way around, and everything you just said just makes that even more obvious.

    Not sure where the disconnect is here?

  48. James B

    1 Corinthians 14:34
    4 The women are to keep silent in the churches; for they are not permitted to speak, but are to subject themselves, just as the Law also says.
    35 If they desire to learn anything, let them ask their own husbands at home; for it is improper for a woman to speak in church.…

    Is this difficult? What the Bible teaches women is very, very wise. It is close to what I advocate.

  49. hzhousewife

    James B may I ask at what age a male should become a parent ?

  50. James B

    hzhousewife: When he’s established himself properly. When he has a stable job, a home (not necessarily fully payed-off) and some life experience. When he can support a wife and kids on his income alone. About 30 or 35, maybe 40 for some men.

    For women’s it’s 18, because their value, as I said earlier, is in their fertility, their body, and their virginity, things which go down hill as they age.

  51. What? Women’s bodies are compromised in every way to allow them to bear children. They are smaller, their bones are thinner and their muscles are much weaker. I think the female form is an absolutely beautiful thing, but there’s no doubt that objectively speaking it’s pretty shit for anything but bearing children.

    James B is yet to meet any Maori ladies. Nor put his hypothesis to them.

  52. Sinclair Davidson

    James B – maybe a few hours away from the keyboard might be a good idea.

  53. A Lurker

    Why can’t a woman submit to sex if she’s sick? Another feminist nonsense. Part of being a good wife is letting your husband fuck you even when you don’t feel like it, it’s just the right thing to do.

    Sounds like rape-in-marriage.
    I’d hate to be your wife.

  54. johanna

    Heh, SatP, those Maori girls would eat him for a pre-entree. They wouldn’t even swallow.

  55. nerblnob

    Heh. I used to sometimes go to a karaoke bar in Taranaki, because it was was open til 2am and I was often working late. It was frequented by a bunch of formidable Maori women who would literally lick their lips at the sight of a lone male who could walk up the stairs unaided entering the bar.

    It was somewhat unsettling.

  56. Ms Dolittle

    “What? Women’s bodies are compromised in every way to allow them to bear children. They are smaller, their bones are thinner and their muscles are much weaker. ” James B, I hope you don’t mind me asking, after all it’s not church so I should be ok: if the warrior class, like yourself, have this really superior body ‘n all, why are your ‘nads on the outside?

  57. Crossie

    I think most would be far more happy marrying young to a loving husband and taking care of the home and their children.

    I wouldn’t put it quite that way though everyone has to make choices. We decided to have children first and when they were at school I went back to studies and work.

    As to what makes a happy marriage: always be nice to each other. You are nice to strangers and people you’ve only met why wouldn’t you be to the most important person in your life.

  58. Ms Dolittle

    “For women’s it’s 18, because their value, as I said earlier, is in their fertility, their body, and their virginity, things which go down hill as they age.” Did you read that in the Boko Haram sales catalogue?

  59. James B

    Ms Dolittle, lol. You seem fairly threatened by the truth.

  60. Ms Dolittle

    Crossie, reckon you are spot on, it’s simple really, good manners, extending common courtesies, forgiveness, even if you hoover up the last bit in the bottle, by that stage hopefully the coke was all gone too.

  61. Ms Dolittle

    Threatened? Not so much. I’m on to you James, you are just a big teaser. BTW what is a “cultural Christian”? I know, maybe that is the kind that heavily quotes the bible when it suits their purpose? You know, sort borrowing other people’s morality as they’re a bit hard pressed themselves.

  62. Tom

    Did you read that in the Boko Haram sales catalogue?

    LOL.

    Sick him, Eliza.

  63. MT Isa Miner

    wreckage

    #1347184, posted on June 14, 2014 at 8:02 pm

    What he said.

    If there is willing submission it has to be to a leader. A leader has to think of others more than himself, James D. That’s the extra weight a boss has to take. Maybe you better fall back in line.

  64. OldOzzie

    Compromise (from the male’s side), Companionship, Sharing, Love – worked for 47 years so far.

  65. Good work, wreckage. Text and context, always.

  66. kae

    How to have a happy marriage?

    First, find the right spouse.

  67. Anne

    This thread started off so well. Pity it’s been besmirched by James.

    A woman would be wasted on you, James. Get a goat.

  68. kae

    Ms Dolittle

    #1347274, posted on June 14, 2014 at 9:24 pm

    Winnar!

    (I know why, though.)

  69. kae

    Get a goat is good, too.

  70. calli

    their virginity, things which go down hill as they age.

    Heheh…plenty of things going downhill with age (gravity is not a lady’s friend) but that ain’t one of them.

    There one moment…gone the next. :D

  71. Infidel Tiger

    A woman would be wasted on you, James. Get a goat.

    A nice pretty one of kid bearing age. Make sure she doesn’t have any crazy ideas like sleeping indoors untethered.

  72. Infidel Tiger

    : if the warrior class, like yourself, have this really superior body ‘n all, why are your ‘nads on the outside?

    How else would we scratch them?

  73. kae

    Well, IT, I wasn’t going to tell everyone!

  74. Anne

    I set ‘em up. Haha…

  75. I am the Walrus, koo koo k'choo

    James B been reading Nietzsche:

    ‘Men should prepare for war; women, for the recreation of the warrior’.

  76. JC

    Steve Kates,

    Young men should not marry until the family laws are changed.

  77. Anne

    : if the warrior class, like yourself, have this really superior body ‘n all, why are your ‘nads on the outside?

    How else would we scratch them?

    Sounds like women’s work to me.

  78. Anne

    …let me get that for you dear.

  79. Anne

    I read once that a happy marriage depends on whether the parties feel loved by the other. The difficulty is different people need different things to feel loved.

    Some need lots of physical affection, not necessarily just sexual.
    Some need verbal affirmation that they are loved/wonderful/whatever.
    Some need their spouse to perform acts of service, small or large, to feel cared for.
    Some need frequent offerings like gifts, small or large.
    Still others need quality time together doing something or nothing.

    If a spouse can identify and deliver on what their partner needs to feel loved… Contentment ensues.

    If only, on our drives in the country, my husband had complimented me on my wit and sex appeal while changing the tyre naked on my new Murciélago we might still be married. Sigh…

  80. Infidel Tiger

    Which one of you is changing the tyre, Anne?

  81. Tintarella di Luna

    The measure of success in our marriage is that I still get a tingly feeling when the Sunbather talks to me on the phone. Then again it could be the iPhone battery but.

  82. kae

    If the love of my life turned up on my doorstep I suspect I’d still have butterflies.

    After the husband departed I contacted TLOML. One day he just turned up in my driveway. I was on the phone to my mother and I said “I have to go, LOML is here!”

    I was quite surprised. He had to go to Brisbane to pick someone up from the airport and decided to call in and see me on his way through. Another time he called me. He was travelling to see a man about a horse. He asked if I’d be home so he could drop in. When he came to my place I found out that he’d only needed to travel 300k to see the horse man, but went the extra 300 to come and visit me!

    Whenever I was in his company I had butterflies. I had trouble speaking. We travelled to Sydney together for Christmas (apart in Sydney) a couple of times. I sat in his car and kept sneaking sideways glances at this man who I couldn’t quite believe I was sitting in the car with.

    I suspect that the butterflies would still be there.

    Unfortunately about six years ago I severed contact, after over 25 years, because it was pointless me staying around on the off chance he’d decide that I should be a significant part of his life. He had met the love of his life at 18 or 19 and was dumped when he went off to join the RAAF.

    But the relationship we had amazed him. We never fought, minor arguments about silly things that were really games between us. Picking up after six months, 12 months, 12 years like we’d never been apart surprised him.

    Now I guess the bush pig is on his own.

  83. Anne

    Which one of you is changing the tyre, Anne?

    Ok, pedant, comma after “sex appeal”. Who do you think you are? Deadman?

    Him be naked, me be witty. ;-P

  84. kae

    Who changes a tyre in the nuddie?

    (Do I really want to know?)

  85. Anne

    Who changes a tyre in the nuddie?

    Not me, Kae.

  86. Infidel Tiger

    You know a naked man changing a tyre is going to show you things that can’t be unseen. Better if he just takes his shirt off.

  87. Anne

    Rofl IT.

    Ok, ChaClick, just revised my fantasy.

  88. wreckage

    Uhh, nothing you just said changed anything, wreckage.

    Well it wouldn’t, because you’re functionally illiterate. And because the scriptures involved, and the interpretations espoused, are thousands and hundreds of years old, respectively, which you would know if you were a “cultural Christian”; your rejection of the commentary is one of the most telling (gaping) hole in your clever disguise, your failure to even recognize the Christian inversion of mastery and leadership – in the words of Christ no less – is another.

    For conservatism, your (presumably unwitting) relegation of, for example, the AWAS as “whores” pretty much writes you off.

    For “But I are not am troll 11!1!!!” the phrase “fucked in all their holes” does you in; the next time I hear that phrase from an adult with a job and his own home will be the first. I have tripped over it repeatedly from internet tough guys who think they know what it means to be a man; all of them soft-as-shyte betas with raisins for balls.

  89. A Lurker

    You should give him a call if he is available, Kae. You’ve only one life, go for it! :)

  90. A Lurker

    Hubby and I are coming up for our 20th anniversary soon and scarcely a cross word (let alone a full blown fight) in all that time.

    I had dated before I met my husband, but he was the one I knew I was going to marry – it was like I was saying to him ‘when we get married’ even before he had proposed. We just somehow both knew it was going to be almost from the very beginning. He’s my best friend and I reckon we’ll stay together ‘until death parts us’ and even then the one who has passed will be mooching around until the other falls off the perch too.

  91. kae

    No Lurker.

    He did his dash. I waited many years but everything else was a priority before me.

    He had a child with someone (who must have thought he was a good, rich catch), and the mother of the child led him a merry dance. She blamed me because they didn’t get married…. And he felt he had to lie to her about contact with me, thus trips to Sydney together where he spent time with his child (in a motel), and I spent it with my family.

    There was always something more important than me after my marriage ended. Even after his mother passed and he could have got away to spend time with me, he didn’t make the effort – besides, he went feral after he got out of the RAAF.

    Oh, and the mother of his child blamed me for not getting married and I wasn’t even around when all that happened.

    (Put this on the wrong fred.)

  92. Delta A

    Wreckage, thank you for saying what I, and I suspect many others who are following this thread, would like to say to this degenerate. If he is for real, (and I doubt that because surely no-one could be that disgusting,) then he should be dealt the ultimate humiliation: to be ignored by all the decent people here.

    Oh, and my advice for a lasting and happy marriage? Laughter, respect and absolute fidelity. Easy peasy when you’ve found the right partner.

  93. Blogstrop

    Ruth Ostrow weighs in on how to keep things interesting in marriage. You have to get away from your own home and have sex elsewhere. Her husband referred to the cost of hotel room or cottage at the coast as an investment in the relationship. It’s only at the end of the article that it emerges she has separated from her former husband, but is trying the same tactic again with current partner.

    http://www.theaustralian.com.au/opinion/investing-in-love-pays-dividends/story-e6frg6zo-1226953107405

  94. wreckage

    Hey, a night away from the kids, with room service, is worth gold ingots.

  95. Elizabeth (Lizzie) B.

    Hey, a night away from the kids, with room service, is worth gold ingots.

    You bet. We are in a hotel on the Ring of Kerry, on our way to HIA’s meeting in Belfast in a few days. Now it’s not exactly on the way to Belfast, being entirely in the opposite direction, but that is how he does t’ings. The car is parked. The kids are being taken for a walk and a meal by a kindly (paid) hotel lady, we two are sitting in high up in a room looking over a spectacular view of a massive estuary and islands. We have computers companionably side-by-side, I have my Tullamore Dew and Coke, he has his Carlsberg, the World Cup is on the television and we have dinner booked in the restaurant for eight.

    It doesn’t get any better dan dis, Lizzie, he says to me, hand briefly on my thigh and wandering slightly. So true.

    This thread is a mine of wit and fun and excellent advice. Have been too busy to read it till now.
    Glad James seems to have met his end, so to speak, on this topic though. Terribly dull.

  96. Elizabeth (Lizzie) B.

    Some need lots of physical affection, not necessarily just sexual.
    Some need verbal affirmation that they are loved/wonderful/whatever.
    Some need their spouse to perform acts of service, small or large, to feel cared for.
    Some need frequent offerings like gifts, small or large.
    Still others need quality time together doing something or nothing.

    I’ll take all of the above, thank you, Anne.
    And I’m not scared to return fire with the same either.
    We laugh together about such things, as little dramas and tokens in the midst of the just getting on with it, battles included, all the time.

    We also knew, Lurker, that we were made for each other from the very start.
    I think it is that knowledge that matters most of all. That spark of surprise with each other.
    We will never part.

Comments are closed.