Guest Post: The Vengeful Ghost* Calls for Calm After Melbourne Man Provokes Senile Aunt

The Australian community was united tonight in calls for calm following a provocation by a Melbourne Man against a much-loved but senile and morbidly bloated community aunt.

The man, Ragher bin Frankladen, had wondered aloud what might have been the community reaction had the aunt’s fridge fallen on her while she was watching Q and A.

Soon after the provocation, the aunt’s community carer blasted the Quadrant community and demanded that its spiritual leader, Sheikh Ketih al-Windschuttle, apologise for the incendiary ravings of bin Frankladen.

‘This has nothing to do with Quadrant’, said Sheikh al-Windschuttle, speaking through an interpreter. ‘The words were taken out of context. It was the act of a lone wolf who is not associated with us in the least. Quadrant is a magazine of peace. Anyway, whose fault is it? Do you blame the fridge, or the person who took the cat’s meat out of the fridge for the cats to see?’

Prime Minister Turnbull appeared soon after the controversy flared, to sooth community concerns. ‘I have attended Quadrant community dinners, and I assure the public that they are a peaceful group. This despicable act does not in the least reflect the peaceful beliefs and practices of the peace-loving peaceful Quadrant peace community of peace.’

The Prime Minister and other community leaders are concerned that there might be a community backlash against Australia’s community of Quadrant readers. The Quadrant community is already living in fear, after being unfairly blamed for numerous provocations in recent years by notorious lone wolf provocateurs, such as John Howard and Tony ‘the mad sheikh’ Abbott, both of whom have in the past spoken at Quadrant dinners.

There are unconfirmed reports that the Director-General of ASIO had been phoning members of Parliament directly, to calm the situation and discourage their commenting on the provocation. An unnamed source close to the Leader of the Opposition said that the Director-General had told him that ‘Saying sumfink bad about Quadrant is ze same as blasphemy’.

The backlash against the Quadrant community comes despite copious evidence that Quadrant is a progressive institution. Recently, prominent Quadrant contributor Dr Fred Lenin attracted headlines for claiming that ‘Quadarnt is the most femninist magaizne’ in the world, largely on the strength of Dame Leonie Kramer’s chairing the magazine’s editorial board in the 1980s.

*Full name – The Vengeful Ghost of Fiona Watson’s Moggie.

This entry was posted in Guest Post. Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Guest Post: The Vengeful Ghost* Calls for Calm After Melbourne Man Provokes Senile Aunt

  1. Bruce of Newcastle

    The aunt should have her stomach stapled. Reduced in capacity by at least half.
    Obesity is after all a sin against Gaia.

  2. Tim Neilson

    Thank you for this reassurance. I would say “excellent” but that’s value judgemental, so following the lead of “The People’s Cube” I’ll say a most “equal” contribution.

  3. RobK

    And it all happened in a tea cup.

  4. calli

    LOL. If only the aunt had had a Bex and a good lie down instead of raiding the fridge.

  5. Elle

    What an absolutely brilliant post!

  6. Rabz

    The poor ol’ aunt should be fired out of a cannon into this neo-brutalist monstrosity.

    BTW, thanks for the LOLs, TVGoFWM.

  7. Hopefully Ragher bin Frankladen will continue on his merry mission.

  8. Dr Fred Lenin

    The Dr Fred Institute denies having made any anti feminite remarks entirely , I know which side my bread is buttered ,while on the subject of butter,…..I digress, ,She who must be obeyed would take . Ieffective counter measures if such a crime were committed I have been known to make mild criticism of certain anomolies but bever about females of the opposite sex ( onreflexion that has cocotations dint it ? )?

    Yours in socialist comradehood , Fred Lenin Phd ( global colding )?

  9. Indolent

    I’m at work and trying hard to camouflage my irresistible guffaws. Just brilliant.

    Now, if only they had a sense of humour.

  10. Roger

    The 4th para is very funny.

    Roger (not Franklin)

  11. Chris

    Hopefully Ragher bin Frankladen will continue on his merry mission.

    There’s no I in Team America. I am thinking of the anti-terrorist rocket bringing down the Eiffel Tower, and then later ‘We’re dicks’.

  12. notafan

    The aunt just needs a jolly rogering

  13. Megan

    The aunt just needs a jolly rogering

    It got one. And fell in a blubbering heap over it.

  14. Crossie

    This is so funny that it couldn’t possibly ever appear on their ABC for fear of amusing most of Australia.

Comments are closed.