The Australian community was united tonight in calls for calm following a provocation by a Melbourne Man against a much-loved but senile and morbidly bloated community aunt.
The man, Ragher bin Frankladen, had wondered aloud what might have been the community reaction had the aunt’s fridge fallen on her while she was watching Q and A.
Soon after the provocation, the aunt’s community carer blasted the Quadrant community and demanded that its spiritual leader, Sheikh Ketih al-Windschuttle, apologise for the incendiary ravings of bin Frankladen.
‘This has nothing to do with Quadrant’, said Sheikh al-Windschuttle, speaking through an interpreter. ‘The words were taken out of context. It was the act of a lone wolf who is not associated with us in the least. Quadrant is a magazine of peace. Anyway, whose fault is it? Do you blame the fridge, or the person who took the cat’s meat out of the fridge for the cats to see?’
Prime Minister Turnbull appeared soon after the controversy flared, to sooth community concerns. ‘I have attended Quadrant community dinners, and I assure the public that they are a peaceful group. This despicable act does not in the least reflect the peaceful beliefs and practices of the peace-loving peaceful Quadrant peace community of peace.’
The Prime Minister and other community leaders are concerned that there might be a community backlash against Australia’s community of Quadrant readers. The Quadrant community is already living in fear, after being unfairly blamed for numerous provocations in recent years by notorious lone wolf provocateurs, such as John Howard and Tony ‘the mad sheikh’ Abbott, both of whom have in the past spoken at Quadrant dinners.
There are unconfirmed reports that the Director-General of ASIO had been phoning members of Parliament directly, to calm the situation and discourage their commenting on the provocation. An unnamed source close to the Leader of the Opposition said that the Director-General had told him that ‘Saying sumfink bad about Quadrant is ze same as blasphemy’.
The backlash against the Quadrant community comes despite copious evidence that Quadrant is a progressive institution. Recently, prominent Quadrant contributor Dr Fred Lenin attracted headlines for claiming that ‘Quadarnt is the most femninist magaizne’ in the world, largely on the strength of Dame Leonie Kramer’s chairing the magazine’s editorial board in the 1980s.
*Full name – The Vengeful Ghost of Fiona Watson’s Moggie.