From Kevin to Australia – About your apology to me. 

My fellow Australians.  I know you are not very smart, so I will try to use small words.  If you were actually smart, not only would I still be Prime Minister, but I could use the big words I am more comfortable with and you would be able to understand.

This coming Sunday, 3 December 2017, marks the 10th anniversary of my ascendancy to the Prime Minister-ship of this mediocre land.  And by 10th anniversary, I mean 10 years.  It will be a very very special day.  Less so for me, but more so for you.  Despite your plebeian nature, I led you to the promised land and shepherded you with my wisdom, judgement and temperament.

In advance of this very special day, I would like to take this opportunity to say I accept your apology.  Although your lack of verbalistic specificity in not publicly and loudly saying sorry to me is disappointing, it is more than compensated by my absolute certainty that you recognized that I was the greatest Prime Minister Australia ever had.  I also know that, deep down, you all regret that you erred in voting for anybody but me.

I am also comforted in my knowledge that if not for their (relative to me) lack of intellect, both Julia and Wayne would be leading The National Sorry Kevin Campaign.

Australia has now conquered its greatest moral challenge, the challenge to recognize that my contribution to Australia is the greatest ever and shall never be surpassed.  Accordingly, my begrudging ascension to Prime Minister should be recognized and commemorated.  Celebratory poems should be written and jubilatory songs sung.

I have thus taken it upon myself to write to Malcolm and Sir Peter to demand that Australia Day be both moved and renamed.  Fair shake of the sauce bottle; given my contributions, the national day of celebration should forever more be on 3 December and be called Kevin Day.

I know that many are sad that I was unable to do to the United Nations what I did to Australia, but I will keep trying.  Keep trying to have the United Nations declare an  International Day of Kevin.

Before I sign off, I just want to remind everyone that I did all the good stuff and someone else did the bad.  Especially NewsCorp.  It was all NewsCorp that did the pink bats, school halls and $900 cheques.  It was all NewsCorp’s.  This is why I wanted to close them down.  I tried, but having designed that brilliant NBN, my man Conroy just could not get it over the line.

I should have really made Conroy the Treasurer, not Swan.  I should have known better having seen Swan getting taller after I gave him a Viagra tablet, from my personal stash, after a booze up in the lodge.  I should have trusted my instincts better.

But for now I sign off.  I will be back.  Not to live in this dump, but to visit.  It is much nicer in New York.

I gotta zip.

Yours ever sincerely,

The Hon. Kevin Rudd.

I’m from Queensland and I’m here to help.


Follow I Am Spartacus on Twitter at @Ey_am_Spartacus

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20 Responses to From Kevin to Australia – About your apology to me. 

  1. Rabz

    Celebratory poems

    Damn. The Vogons are refusing to return my calls.

  2. You have exceeded your unbounded, humility, your exemplary hubris, and I say that with the utmost specificity.

  3. Name name rings a bell but I can’t quite place it. Kevin Bloody Wilson?

  4. Pete of Perth

    Re Sino Sam… what did kevni know and when did he know it?

  5. Mak Siccar

    New York – I thought KRudd was in Oxford doing his Piled high & Deep?

  6. H B Bear

    Kruddy was the last genuine economic conservative PM this country has had. I know this because he told us.

  7. H B Bear

    As the Father of Middle Class Welfare said, “When you change the government you change the country”. This should be painted on every one of the $16bn Building the Education Revolution shed used on election day. AEC officials should have it tattooed on their foreheads.

  8. manalive

    Definitely no fireworks on Kevin Day!

  9. Rafe

    You will be really sorry when the lights go out in the states of Ruddistan.

  10. Gengis

    Just thinking,when the Progressive Left (now that’s an oxymoron) move Australia Day (when we can all get together) we could call it ‘Defeated Day’, wouldn’t that be fun.

  11. H B Bear

    I don’t know how we can make this up to Kevin.

  12. Seth

    Big words? Like ‘rat-fuck’?

  13. Dr Fred Lenin

    Spartie. You are in trouble ,who gave you that speech Kev had hidden in Therese’s nickers drawer ? Publishing it is lese majesty and punishable by being hanged drawn and ,quartered on the lawns of kevs parliament palace ,he was el president for life wasn’t he? Elected by 105.65 per cent of voters.

  14. I am Spartacus

    Spartie. You are in trouble ,who gave you that speech Kev had hidden in Therese’s nickers drawer

    Same people who gave the Dastyari scoop to Fairfax.

  15. Tim Neilson

    I know that many are sad that I was unable to do to the United Nations what I did to Australia,

    Quite so.

  16. Mother Lode

    Kevni wants a poem? Kevni gets a poem.

    Owed to Kevin Rudd
    (or ‘What Wouldn’t We Love to do to the Little Shit’)

    Who gave his best for each our sake?
    And deftly did sauce bottle shake?
    And lengthened Swanny’s trouser snake?
    Our one and only Kevin!

    Who took on with prodigious pluck
    The deals that other nations struck,
    And belled the rats the Chinese fuck?
    Our one and only Kevin.

    Who led the charge against a fume
    (Which else would surely bring our doom)
    From bright-lit and air-conned room?
    Our one and only Kevin.

    Who begged forgiveness for our sin,
    The babies stolen from their kin,
    And die now starved with greyish skin?
    Our one and only Kevin.

    Who sits now, eyes fixed on the dark,
    But seeing past days, bright and stark
    When he on Aussie left skid mark?
    Our one and only Kevin

  17. wal1957

    Thanks a lot Kevin.
    Elected in 2007 by a lot of dickheads who thought you were ‘the chosen one’.

    It’s been downhill ever since.

    FMD!….. Is there a politician in OZ who actually tells the truth? OR, actually answers the question that was asked?

    Stuff ’em all I say. Not worth the trouble of pissin’ on ’em.

  18. Rabz

    Bravo, Mother Lode.

    An epic ode to a worthy toad.

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