My fellow Australians. I know you are not very smart, so I will try to use small words. If you were actually smart, not only would I still be Prime Minister, but I could use the big words I am more comfortable with and you would be able to understand.
This coming Sunday, 3 December 2017, marks the 10th anniversary of my ascendancy to the Prime Minister-ship of this mediocre land. And by 10th anniversary, I mean 10 years. It will be a very very special day. Less so for me, but more so for you. Despite your plebeian nature, I led you to the promised land and shepherded you with my wisdom, judgement and temperament.
In advance of this very special day, I would like to take this opportunity to say I accept your apology. Although your lack of verbalistic specificity in not publicly and loudly saying sorry to me is disappointing, it is more than compensated by my absolute certainty that you recognized that I was the greatest Prime Minister Australia ever had. I also know that, deep down, you all regret that you erred in voting for anybody but me.
I am also comforted in my knowledge that if not for their (relative to me) lack of intellect, both Julia and Wayne would be leading The National Sorry Kevin Campaign.
Australia has now conquered its greatest moral challenge, the challenge to recognize that my contribution to Australia is the greatest ever and shall never be surpassed. Accordingly, my begrudging ascension to Prime Minister should be recognized and commemorated. Celebratory poems should be written and jubilatory songs sung.
I have thus taken it upon myself to write to Malcolm and Sir Peter to demand that Australia Day be both moved and renamed. Fair shake of the sauce bottle; given my contributions, the national day of celebration should forever more be on 3 December and be called Kevin Day.
I know that many are sad that I was unable to do to the United Nations what I did to Australia, but I will keep trying. Keep trying to have the United Nations declare an International Day of Kevin.
Before I sign off, I just want to remind everyone that I did all the good stuff and someone else did the bad. Especially NewsCorp. It was all NewsCorp that did the pink bats, school halls and $900 cheques. It was all NewsCorp’s. This is why I wanted to close them down. I tried, but having designed that brilliant NBN, my man Conroy just could not get it over the line.
I should have really made Conroy the Treasurer, not Swan. I should have known better having seen Swan getting taller after I gave him a Viagra tablet, from my personal stash, after a booze up in the lodge. I should have trusted my instincts better.
But for now I sign off. I will be back. Not to live in this dump, but to visit. It is much nicer in New York.
I gotta zip.
Yours ever sincerely,
The Hon. Kevin Rudd.
I’m from Queensland and I’m here to help.
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