Let them eat kale

All is not well at the Sydney headquarters of the Australian Baking Corporation (ABC).

Having “carefully” adhered to its charter to prepare baked items of varying tastes and flavours for all Australians, the ABC’s management decided to make a single item – the vegan, gluten free kale and quinoa sugarless muffin.

In response to the rumblings of its customers, the customers that are forced buy the ABC’s products on threat of property confiscation or imprisonment, the ABC’s management decided to undertake some market analysis.  And to ensure that the market analysis was unbiased, ABC management determined that they would assemble a focus group of wide and diverse representation.

Unlike previous ABC focus groups, this time the focus group would accept members of the Australian Greens who live outside the inner city of Sydney.  As a first, the ABC focus group would accept representatives who were members of the Australian Greens but who lived outside the inner city of Sydney.  And to ensure the methodological rigor and programmatic specificity, the ABC would engage the Australia Institute to provide unbiased quantitative research in support.  ABC management was adamant that the focus groups should not look like an average Q&A audience.

Once convened, the focus group was asked about the quality and diversity of the ABC’s vegan, gluten free kale and quinoa sugarless muffin.  The group expressed their displeasureHow could the ABC represent that they were truly diverse if they did not have a soy or a paleo version of their muffin?

In response to such harsh criticism, the Managing Director and Chief Baking Officer of the ABC responded that it was not possible to offer soy or paleo varieties because the most senior ABC bakers only worked 1 day per week.  And it was hard enough to get them to work even that 1 day, so ABC management had to implement a bonus scheme, a scheme which currently costs $2.6 million per annum.

Sufficiently flustered at the focus group criticism, the Chief Baking Officer determined that the ABC would run a new program called “Let them Eat Kale” and this program would be supplemented with a marketing campaign on Google and Facebook for which a budget of $2 million would be allocated.

The Let them Eat Kale program would ensure diversity by offering options other than the flagship vegan, gluten free kale and quinoa sugarless muffin.  Going forward, the ABC would also offer vegan, gluten free kale and quinoa sugarless protein balls, slices and quiche.

And so it passed, having introduced gluten free kale and quinoa sugarless protein balls, slices and quiche to its offering, the ABC declared that it was again and always in compliance with it diversity charter.

This just demonstrates that you can achieve diversity even though you are always using gluten free kale and quinoa ingredients.

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22 Responses to Let them eat kale

  1. H B Bear

    Sparty it might be best to leave the satire to the people who do it best – the Lieboral Party.

  2. Bruce of Newcastle

    This morning the Daily Express offers a health tip:

    Iron deficiency symptoms: Add this £1 food to your diet to slash anaemia risk

    You should eat more “dark-green leafy vegetables” according to the national healthcare provider, such as kale.

    So there you go, the Anaemic Baking Corporation is onto something! Their ‘let them eat kale’ slogan couldn’t be more er, ironic.

    But then irony escapes the ABC.

  3. Up The Workers!

    A.L.P.B.C. “Diversity” has much in common with the famously varied styles and tastes of music played at “Bob’s Country Bunker” in “The Blues Brothers”.

    The A.L.P.B.C. has both kinds of politics.

    Green and Red!

  4. egg_

    Meanwhile, Their Special Baking Service has brownbread fruitcakes.

  5. Pete of Perth

    Halal certified of course.

  6. Pyrmonter

    Kale is excellent.

    But it’s verybhrs to find a vegan quiche

  7. Leo G

    Their Special Baking Service has brownbread fruitcakes.

    Who says cack-baking services should be our Copro-ration?

  8. manalive

    Too much kale gives me the shits.

  9. Dr Fred Lenin.

    My daughter makes “kale slaw”,an acquired taste , I prefer Chinese or Savoy cabbage coleslaw ,nice on your hot dogs. With American mustard .

  10. herodotus

    The ABC has nothing but contempt for all of you meat and three veg Aussies.

  11. Rohan

    vegan, gluten free kale and quinoa sugarless muffin

    Just another euphenism for Soylent Green™.

  12. Linden

    Yes it most certinly true, as being one of them myself, brought on the meat and three veg daily routine, being cooked by my old fashioned (brought up Methodist) mother. And as far as I am concerned it is still the best going around, and I think it is also undoubtly true that the ABC, the one we all used to listen to and long time ago now lost it way completely.

  13. Nicholas (Unlicensed Joker) Gray

    And a ‘Kale Mera’ to all Greek-speaking people! Finally, Katalexy is back! I couldn’t connect to you for ages, but don’t worry- I’m back!

  14. Shy Ted

    Well done egg and Leo. If only the brownbread bit was cockney rhyming slang.
    Maybe we need a Baking Royal Commission. Malcolm! I mean Lucy!

  15. Dr Fred Lenin

    What about the chips ?saw pub counter meal menu years ago , Steak n chips ,roast chicken n chips , cold meat salad n chips ,lasagne n chips and Spagbol n chips ,all with a lettuce leaf for healthy eating .

  16. Some History

    …all with a lettuce leaf for healthy eating

    That lettuce comes in handy.

    https://imgur.com/jtF2MKH

  17. egg_

    Dr Fred Lenin
    #2722170, posted on May 28, 2018 at 3:01 pm

    A chip and lettuce brownbread roll?

  18. wal1957

    well, that wasted 5 minutes of my life.

  19. Nicholas (Unlicensed Joker) Gray

    Soylent Green? No thanks! That stuff tastes just like long pig!

  20. Ian

    14c per day for the garbage the abc has become. Here, in England, we are required to pay £150 pa to fund the equally ridiculous bbc, or 75c per day.

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