Of all things, there I was sitting in my favourite cafe and what do they play but the world’s most notorious Christmas song, Baby it’s Cold Outside. But let’s face it, that might work in America but it just won’t do for us here in Australia. I have therefore adjusted the words to suit. And if climate change becomes a reality, perhaps this is what they’ll have to sing everywhere.
Baby it’s Hot Outside
I really can’t stay (Baby it’s hot outside)
I gotta go away (Baby it’s hot outside)
This evening has been (Been hoping that you’d dropped in)
You do inspire (I’ll hold your hands they’re just like fire)
My mother will start to worry (Beautiful what’s your hurry?)
My father will be pacing the floor (Listen to the air conditioner roar)
So really I’d better scurry (Beautiful please don’t hurry)
Well maybe just a half a drink more (I’ll put some music on while I pour)
The neighbors might think (Baby it’s bad out there)
Say what’s in this drink? (No cabs to be had out there)
I wish I knew how (Your eyes are like starlight now)
To break this spell (I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell) (Why thank you)
I ought to say no, no, no sir (Mind if move in closer?)
At least I’m gonna say that I tried (What’s the sense of hurtin’ my pride?)
I really can’t stay (Baby don’t hold out)
Baby it’s hot outside
Ah, you’re very pushy you know?
I like to think of it as opportunistic
I simply must go (Baby it’s hot outside)
The answer is no (But baby it’s hot outside)
The welcome has been (How lucky that you dropped in)
So nice and cool (why don’t you try the pool)
My sister will be suspicious (Gosh your lips look delicious!)
My brother will be there at the door (Waves upon a tropical shore)
My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious (Gosh your lips are delicious!)
Well maybe just a cigarette more (Never such a heat wave before) (And I don’t even smoke)
I’ve got to get home (Baby it’s 40 degrees out there!)
You’ve really been grand, (I feel when I touch your hand)
But don’t you see? (How can you do this thing to me?)
There’s bound to be talk tomorrow (Think of my life long sorrow!)
At least there will be plenty implied (If you had heat stroke and died!)
I really can’t stay (Get over that old out)
Baby it’s hot
Baby it’s hot outside
Okay fine, just another drink then
That took a lot of convincing!
And in case you are unsure of the tune, I am providing two more traditional versions so that you can sing along with the lyrics found above.
And in case you are worrying about the politically incorrect implications, of the song, there is also this.
And if I don’t make it back to the keyboard today, may you have a peaceful and happy Christmas shared with those you love and who love you.