Screwed

Have you ever wondered why Australian banks are unusually badly managed and yet extremely profitable.

Yes, yes.  There is the Commonwealth Government protection racket – pay us lots of tax, give us lots of political donations and invite us (gratis) to lots of nice events and your survival will be guaranteed and you won’t get any competition.

But consider this job advertisement by ANZ bank for a Journey Expert – Chapter Lead.  And before you ask, no clue what that is.  However this is how ANZ describes it:

As a Journey Expert in the Responsible Banking Tribe, you will be responsible for optimising existing end-to-end customer journeys and improving the customer experience by devising new, innovative solutions, services, products or propositions.

And what is a Chapter Lead you may ask also?  Again, according to ANZ:

As a Chapter Lead, your role in the tribe will be to develop and lead other Journey Experts in Responsible Banking.

  • Journey Expert.
  • Responsible Banking Tribe.
  • Optimising existing end-to-end customer journeys

BINGO!  BS Bingo that is.

Don’t fret.  This $200K plus p/a job will be carefully filled by ANZ.  After all:

ANZ recognises the value of an inclusive and diverse work environment. We take pride in the diversity of our people and encourage applications from diverse candidates. Our recruitment decisions are based on the key inherent needs and requirements of each role, and candidates are selected based on their unique strengths and characteristics.

Good thing that the boards of these organisations an generously peppered with former senior public servants and RBA executives.

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36 Responses to Screwed

  1. struth

    Bloody hell.
    Thank god for the explanation.
    As I’m involved in the tourism travel industry I was going to apply.
    I don’t think I’m diverse though…….but how will I know until I see the others?
    Absolute lunacy.

  2. Bazinga

    Sounds like a motorcycle enthusiast job

  3. calli

    They used to have titles like Manager, Accountant, Teller and Clerk.

    Now they just have D*ckhead.

  4. Spurgeon Monkfish III

    a Journey Expert in the Responsible Banking Tribe

    What ridiculous, unintelligible gibberish.

  5. a happy little debunker

    EFT, the banks are flush with funds and profits because our governments bankrolls them all via EFT.

    And now – if you wanna buy anything over 10 large, you need a bank account…

  6. miltonf

    When I was a kid they were many many banks and building societies- National, CBA, CBC, St George, United Permanent, State, NSW. That’s just in NSW. Seems like there’s a lot less choice now.

  7. Davey Boy

    Playing a straight bat here, it sounds like terminology from the playbook of Agile techniques which are the fashion in systems / software development right now. Many large companies (e.g telcos) are adopting the Agile approach in an attempt to achieve reductions in time to market for new products and for changes to existing products. Chapters and Tribes are just fancy names for how resources (teams) are organised in an Agile setting.

    Customer experience is central to Agile techniques, and a Customer Journey Map is something like a living reference which ensures that what’s being developed and iteratively delivered is what the customer actually wants at all points in their ‘journey’. So the job title of ‘Journey Expert – Chapter Lead’ is not really that big a deal in the context of the role being advertised, and the Agile processes which are relevant to that role. The mightily wankish bit is ‘Responsible Banking’ which looks a bit like window dressing in response to the recent RC.

  8. duncanm

    Bazinga
    #3296511, posted on January 19, 2020 at 9:36 am

    Sounds like a motorcycle enthusiast job

    of the Zen kind?

  9. WGD

    #3296514, posted on January 19, 2020 at 9:47 am

    Calli, very few D*ckheads in banks these days, at least in customer service.

    A breathless graduate in the Humanities almost certainly wrote this tosh, intoxicated by the sound of her own voice and the glittering phrase.

    The job won’t be filled by a D*ckhead either, not in the underlying (or should that be overlying?) sense of the word.

  10. Roger

    As a Journey Expert in the Responsible Banking Tribe, you will be responsible for optimising existing end-to-end customer journeys and improving the customer experience by devising new, innovative solutions, services, products or propositions.

    Here’s a suggestion:

    Put coin counting machines in each branch.

    That would improve my ‘journey’ to the bank no end.

    Grrrr.

  11. As a shareholder this stuff gets up my nose Is my income they are blowing on this rubbish

  12. struth

    As a Journey Expert in the Responsible Banking Tribe, you will be responsible for optimising existing end-to-end customer journeys and improving the customer experience by devising new, innovative solutions, services, products or propositions.

    Australia 2020

  13. Mark M

    “Have you ever wondered why Australian banks are unusually badly managed and yet extremely profitable.”

    If the GFC is anything to go by, Australian taxpayers finance the poorly managed banks so the banks can continue to diddle their ‘customers’ for the shareholders.

    Also so banks can pretend to be morally superior …

    Green home loans: Experts welcome scheme for energy-efficient builds but call for more retrofitting

    https://www.domain.com.au/news/green-home-loans-experts-welcome-scheme-for-energy-efficient-builds-but-call-for-more-retrofitting-920894/

  14. rich

    Davey Boy is on point. The question with Agile adoption is whether it is a genuine attempt to serve customers better or is it a cargo cult xopying successful practices in the industry.

  15. Catfeesh?

    ANZ recognises the value of an inclusive and diverse work environment. We take pride in the diversity of our people and encourage applications from diverse candidates.

    I’m a white, conservative male. I’d have to be a shoo-in for the job if they’re into diversity since I’d be the only one meeting that description there.

  16. Davey Boy

    TAKFAS if you do a search on LinkedIn there’s plenty of Chapter Lead and Journey Expert roles being advertised, it’s jargon or if you like part of the secret handshake which targets those with a specific skill set or industry experience. For example this article on LinkedIn includes an explanation of the Chapter Lead role.

    TAKFAS statement that the dot points
    Journey Expert.
    Responsible Banking Tribe.
    Optimising existing end-to-end customer journeys

    are BS bingo essentially suggests only that TAKFAS might be unaware of the jargon used in the Agile methodology domain (roles and processes). I have worked in an environment where similar roles were implemented, and whilst there is inevitably some BS involved, Agile methodology has a lot going for it.

  17. JB of Sydney/Shanghai

    Dear Quote Investigator: The famous criminal Willie Sutton was once asked why he robbed banks, and his response was simple, eloquent, and humorous:

    Because that’s where the money is.

  18. @Davey Boy

    TAKFAS if you do a search on LinkedIn there’s plenty of Chapter Lead and Journey Expert roles being advertised, it’s jargon or if you like part of the secret handshake which targets those with a specific skill set or industry experience.

    Just because there are lots of Wuck Fits out there does not excuse this idiotic jargo-language. There is no quorum required to be called out.

    One does not require a special language and a special terminology to treat your customers well, not steal and to do your job efficiently, effectively and diligently.

  19. 59096

    Clown jargon for a clown job that will probably be filled by a black Asian LBQTI transvestite disabled dwarf!

  20. Mick Gold Coast QLD

    From The Artist Formerly Known As Spartacus at 2:52 pm:

    “@Davey Boy

    … targets those with a specific skill set (interpreter: “skills”, it is the more efficient modern expression for “skills”) or industry experience (squatting with your duds down having a group tug – very modern).

    Just because there are lots of Wuck Fits out there does not excuse this idiotic jargo-language. There is no quorum required to be called out.

    One does not require a special language and a special terminology to treat your customers well, not steal and to do your job efficiently, effectively and diligently.”

    Oh dear Davey Boy, son. The past is so yesterday isn’t it?

    I see you are responsible for this fully awesome drivel:

    “Customer experience is central to Agile techniques … Customer Journey Map is … a living reference … iteratively delivered … what the customer actually wants at all points in their ‘journey’. So … ‘Journey Expert – Chapter Lead’ is not really that big a deal in the context of … the Agile processes …”

    seen as the agile monkeys leap from branch to branch out there in the jungle, iteratively, gathering nuts. Feel the agilitttae!

    Go to the room of mirrors you dill, and take a good hard look at yourself. Close your eyes and repeat out loud what you wrote here. If you do not immediately think “so very stupid” you are beyond help.

  21. John A

    Davey Boy and various responders:

    My question is: how much are they paying the agile (innovative) sod who invented these terms?

    ANZ recognises the value of an inclusive and diverse work environment. We take pride in the diversity of our people and encourage applications from diverse candidates. Our recruitment decisions are based on the key inherent needs and requirements of each role, and candidates are selected based on their unique strengths and characteristics.

    And this could just be the modern compulsory jargon for “we will choose the right person for the job, and no correspondence will be entered into.”

  22. Tel

    a Journey Expert in the Responsible Banking Tribe

    What ridiculous, unintelligible gibberish.

    They are obviously looking for a bullshitter to do the job, and if you can sound convincing while at the same time being utterly insincere you will get hired.

    There’s always been a valid commercial requirement for such employees although it used to me more in the used car business and not so much in banking. Times change though, banking is not stodgy and straight laced like it used to be.

  23. Frank

    Journey is a word previously beloved by social workers, as in “we journey with our clients”. Usually accompanied by a beatific 1000 yard stare. HR drones probably take the same courses to pad out the units in between the gender studies major.

  24. Spurgeon Monkfish III

    whilst there is inevitably some BS involved, Agile methodology has a lot going for it

    And if youse don’t believe me, just asks Mal “the Waffleroach” Turnbuckle, I tells ya!

    Oh, wait …

  25. Squirrel

    “Journey” ? “Tribe” ??

    I know that Kerry Packer had a red hot go at taking over Westpac, but I hadn’t realised that Network Ten’s reality TV wing had taken over ANZ.

  26. Nob

    the Responsible Banking Tribe

    Can they get an indigenous grant?

  27. James Hargrave

    Only time I thought of applying for a job with a bank, 25+ years ago, something quite specialised, the forms and particulars were full of what ever was the then version of modish HR speak. Businesses should stick to business.

  28. pbw

    Takfas,

    Another saying popular in IT:
    If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck.

    Hence “duck typing” in some languages.

    If it reads like BS Bingo, sounds like BS Bingo, and is created by BS Artists, it’s BS Bingo.

    IT is full of it, and always has been. The vast majority of IT people will tell you with unruffled earnestness that men get periods, too. It makes you wonder about the software you depend on.

  29. rich

    One does not require a special language and a special terminology to treat your customers well, not steal and to do your job efficiently, effectively and diligently.

    If you read the end of the book Accelerate by Gene Kim, it’s basically a copy of ING’s very successful operating practices in the Netherlands. You may not need special language to treat your customers well, but you do need it to explain a counter intuitive system different from normal project management, which was previously treated as common sense until Agile shifted focus away from building things to iterating on how to serve customers.

  30. John NOBEL

    Adhoc vs waterfall vs agile: !!!

  31. mareeS

    How embarrassment, as wotsername used to say, back in the day when comedy was funny.

    This is beyond parody, into a new realm.

  32. Elderly White Man From Skipton

    I noticed into today’s AFR that NAB refers to its damages payments to clients as “customer remediation”. I wonder if the customers felt remedied?
    Our banks are nothing more than giant sales machines. Managers have no influence over customer outcomes and I suspect there is very little going on the credit analysis departments, which is why I am personally holding zero banks stocks.

  33. Spitfire

    Is the fact that they have a “Responsible Banking Tribe” simply tacit recognition that before it came along, all their banking was irresponsible?

  34. Bazinga

    Agile is for companies that don’t/can’t plan well enough in advance, also known as Ad-Hoc 😛

  35. SilverJet1970

    Welcome to modern IT and digital. I work in this work and get many laughs at this kind of thing

    This is based off the HCD (Human Centred Design) concept as well as agile development methodologies. They are not just dev teams anymore, they are tribes….

  36. RobK

    Going on a journey with a bank is not on my list of things to do.

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